heart shaped box

Dear blog and blog world,
 I am sorry I have temporarily abandoned you. It seems that I used you as my crutch through the horrible and restless waiting period before I received my invitation to Peace Corps. Since then, I have left you to sit idle while I focused on writing my aspiration statement and read countless Peace Corps handbooks and information. I didn't realize until now that I am in desperate need of your great service in my life. I need an outlet and I need the instant gratification that a submit post button can offer a girl on the edge. So I am back, asking for your forgiveness. I will never abandon you again, at least not until I am too caught up in my own happiness and self-absorption to consider the great purpose you serve in good times and bad; keeping me level headed.

Sorry,
Natalie.

This is not intended to be a woe is me post. No way, Jose. Instead, I just want to take some time to get some feelings off my chest and share the sort of afterglow that comes 12 days after receiving the coveted blue package in the mail. I have told everyone, put in my 2 weeks notice at one job, began making travel arrangements to visit friends and law schools, and emailed admissions offices about deferring for Peace Corps. I have researched packing lists and Panamanian music and culture, read ALL of the official handbooks about cultural adjustment and the life of a volunteer, and day dreamed about Panama. I have even practiced my Spanish at any given opportunity. I have found other Panama bound invitees and spoken with them. I have attended Peace Corps meetings about safety and security. I have given advice on the medical costs associated with applying to future applicants. I have (up until now).... failed to really internalize the fact that I am going to Panama in about 70 days.

It's starting to set in.

I am starting to detach. I am starting to feel the distance that will soon be, even though I am inches away from the person I love. I am living in denial of the fact that things, and feelings, will change.

I have done this before. I know the routine. One of my best, or at least most common coping mechanisms, is to forget that I am leaving, forget until I am gone. Deal with heartbreak, or loneliness when I absolutely HAVE to. Wait until I am so alone in a foreign country that I know nothing and am completely void of roots to anything or anyone. Then I cry. I cry and succumb to the emptiness for a long time. This will surely happen and I am sure it is just my way.

I foresee this happening about month 3 of my stay in Panama and I am prepared to deal with it and get through it. I know I will cry to sad music on my Ipod and probably mentally imagine the conversations I would have or apologies I would make. I won't actually have regrets, just empty wishes. I am always wishing for what could have been. The few people I feel I have actually loved know this. But, it never could have been, because I choose my path. Fate is the best friend on whom I blame all of my choices. Fate is always at the other end of my pointed finger. She allows me to do this because that makes her feel real. While I do believe in her, I know she doesn't have all the control I attribute to her. We sort of feed off each other in a way. It is symbiotic like that.

My worst fear may be getting too close. I always want an out, a window I can climb out of in desperation. A greener grass somewhere out there. Actually, it doesn't need to offer the promise of a brighter hue. Just a promise of a different, unexplored territory. I am seeking, but not quite sure who or what for that matter. I can't worry too much on this point, though. If life didn't hold mystery it would get boring very quickly. If I were not so elusive I would probably get boring quickly.

With regard to Peace Corps in general, I am scared to death. I am also so excited and feel like I could not have been given a greater blessing at this point in my life. I will be doing work I am passionate about, in a culture that I have always wanted to discover first hand.

My goal over the next few months is to purge myself of baggage. Emotional baggage, yes, physical baggage even more so. I want to travel light enough to feel lost in the world. Happy and free. Una espiritu libre.

Living with a heart shaped box stuffed at the bottom of your emotional suitcase is like walking through life with a pebble in your shoe. Maybe I should go barefoot. It's just bound to be painful at first.

Maybe I should stop blogging in metaphors. How emo.

I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I have no idea what will happen, but I am confident in one thing; it will happen.

love and blessings to all,
Nat