Day one of only working one job. I have too much time on my hands and I have only been awake for about an hour. Oh, and did I mention I am currently working my online job as I type? Yes, my multi-tasking is making me more than a bit ADD and is going to drive me crazy when I begin adjusting to the slower way of life in Central America. I better have a stack of books to distract me. My mind has the discipline of a toddler and for some reason it truly settles when reading a book.
Today I am thinking about reconciliation. Forgiveness is truly above the normal capacity of human nature. It is Godly, so to say. I am not sure if we are capable of it without some divine intervention. Mending friendships takes one other element outside of human control; time. Ample amounts of time.
I am pretty sure the pace of life is set and that it only gets screwed up when we try to move things along or slow them down. Mentally it can be a disaster. How do we know when it is time to forgive, to move on, to patch hurts from the past? How long does it take until blame is a non-issue?
I want to become more active in unraveling these clogs in my life. Maybe it's the psychology student in me. I just don't think it's healthy to have one's soul weighed down with bitterness, resentment, hurts. As adults we learn to bottle these emotions and let them ferment. They get denser and harder to break up. Kids and dogs seem light, airy, and happy as can be for a reason. They deal with emotions in the present. I am not saying it would be ok for adults to just burst into tears in the workplace, but then again why not? Why are we afraid to let things out? For fear of judgement or being chastised?
So this is my goal for the next two months. Work on myself. Work on being self reliant. Work on making the people who love me feel the appreciation they deserve. Let go, when necessary. Be unselfish and realize that this whole endeavor is very selfish for myself (in some ways) and I need to understand the strain it places on others. Work on remembering who I am at my core and seeking to live to best represent those values. Work on being a better friend, daughter, sister.
Quitting my job has given me real work to do. Let's get started.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
planning and packing : my new obsession (discounts too)
My resume, aspiration statement and PC passport paper work are now complete! While I know I "should" be saving money and looking at those other folders of my PC invite package, I have instead become obsessed with the fantasy of perfect packing for this adventure. I just wanted to share a few resources I have found pretty amazing beyond the packing list on PC Wiki. www.onebag.com is wonderful! This packing guru as he is called has created an entire website about packing everything for a journey into one bag, ideally a carry on. While this logic may seem silly to someone packing for a 2 year Peace Corps stint, it is actually very helpful for planning to be sufficient in all conditions. I have already printed off his annotated packing list and begun finding many of the items suggested cheaply online. A few examples of items I would never have thought of packing on my own include; an adjustable metal doorstop for security purposes (love this idea), a large sink stopper for doing laundry in sink (if I am lucky enough to have a sink), a specific brand of clothesline that works best for traveling, and a sarong or scarf that can be used for 12 or more uses. After going over his list, I really can not imagine wanting to bring much more with me. The real test will be if I have that sort of discipline when it comes time to really pack. I have packed up pretty much all of my belongings into two suitcases before, and I hope I can do it again!
As far as PC discounts go, the list on PCwiki is pretty great! I have already received the north face pro deal discount and hope to use it to purchase a multi-day pack. I don't have much actually backpacking experience, so I am doing my research. I technically backpacked out of a day pack in Bali, Indonesia, only because I ditched my roller bag and hopped on a moped for about a week. I was lucky to find a guy trustworthy enough to let us store our bags securely at his hotel, although this seems to be a common practice in Bali.
I am also waiting to hear back from a few other online vendors. The one that really has impressed me is Hennessy Hammocks. The description on PCWIKI says you must buy 10 in bulk to get a discount on their amazing tent/hammock invention. I have been emailing the company and they have said this is no longer the case. They offer 50% discounts for all PC invitees/volunteers and are happy to help you choose your hammock. I am hesitant because this whole packing situation is getting expensive, however I am really excited about this option.
Firstly, the hammock is very unique in that it is basically an above ground tent that keeps out the elements. Rain and mosquitoes, among other creepy crawlies are prevalent in Panama, so I definitely will appreciate this aspect should I purchase one. Since I also plan to do some trekking and backpacking in general, I really think this will cut down on the weight of my pack, and increase the comfort of my sleep.
The woman at H.H. said that for me, 5'4 woman weighing 138lbs, I could get the least expensive hammock, called the Scout, and it would be perfect for me. With the discount, this would only be about $50 plus shipping. I am only hesitant because I just bought a therma-rest type sleeping pad for a bit more than that. I definitely think I will get use out of both though. I imagine my host family would be both offended and creeped out by me if I chose to lounge in hammock over sleeping in their home no matter how comfortable it may be. I am pretty sure though, if and when I get my own home, a hammock would be a great asset. In my experience, I actually feel more secure and fall asleep better in a hammock.
Here is a link to the review page of their website http://hennessyhammock.com/reviews.html
Anyone else find any cool items, please let me know!
All the best.
As far as PC discounts go, the list on PCwiki is pretty great! I have already received the north face pro deal discount and hope to use it to purchase a multi-day pack. I don't have much actually backpacking experience, so I am doing my research. I technically backpacked out of a day pack in Bali, Indonesia, only because I ditched my roller bag and hopped on a moped for about a week. I was lucky to find a guy trustworthy enough to let us store our bags securely at his hotel, although this seems to be a common practice in Bali.
I am also waiting to hear back from a few other online vendors. The one that really has impressed me is Hennessy Hammocks. The description on PCWIKI says you must buy 10 in bulk to get a discount on their amazing tent/hammock invention. I have been emailing the company and they have said this is no longer the case. They offer 50% discounts for all PC invitees/volunteers and are happy to help you choose your hammock. I am hesitant because this whole packing situation is getting expensive, however I am really excited about this option.
Firstly, the hammock is very unique in that it is basically an above ground tent that keeps out the elements. Rain and mosquitoes, among other creepy crawlies are prevalent in Panama, so I definitely will appreciate this aspect should I purchase one. Since I also plan to do some trekking and backpacking in general, I really think this will cut down on the weight of my pack, and increase the comfort of my sleep.
The woman at H.H. said that for me, 5'4 woman weighing 138lbs, I could get the least expensive hammock, called the Scout, and it would be perfect for me. With the discount, this would only be about $50 plus shipping. I am only hesitant because I just bought a therma-rest type sleeping pad for a bit more than that. I definitely think I will get use out of both though. I imagine my host family would be both offended and creeped out by me if I chose to lounge in hammock over sleeping in their home no matter how comfortable it may be. I am pretty sure though, if and when I get my own home, a hammock would be a great asset. In my experience, I actually feel more secure and fall asleep better in a hammock.
Here is a link to the review page of their website http://hennessyhammock.com/reviews.html
Anyone else find any cool items, please let me know!
All the best.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
heart shaped box
Dear blog and blog world,
I am sorry I have temporarily abandoned you. It seems that I used you as my crutch through the horrible and restless waiting period before I received my invitation to Peace Corps. Since then, I have left you to sit idle while I focused on writing my aspiration statement and read countless Peace Corps handbooks and information. I didn't realize until now that I am in desperate need of your great service in my life. I need an outlet and I need the instant gratification that a submit post button can offer a girl on the edge. So I am back, asking for your forgiveness. I will never abandon you again, at least not until I am too caught up in my own happiness and self-absorption to consider the great purpose you serve in good times and bad; keeping me level headed.
Sorry,
Natalie.
This is not intended to be a woe is me post. No way, Jose. Instead, I just want to take some time to get some feelings off my chest and share the sort of afterglow that comes 12 days after receiving the coveted blue package in the mail. I have told everyone, put in my 2 weeks notice at one job, began making travel arrangements to visit friends and law schools, and emailed admissions offices about deferring for Peace Corps. I have researched packing lists and Panamanian music and culture, read ALL of the official handbooks about cultural adjustment and the life of a volunteer, and day dreamed about Panama. I have even practiced my Spanish at any given opportunity. I have found other Panama bound invitees and spoken with them. I have attended Peace Corps meetings about safety and security. I have given advice on the medical costs associated with applying to future applicants. I have (up until now).... failed to really internalize the fact that I am going to Panama in about 70 days.
It's starting to set in.
I am starting to detach. I am starting to feel the distance that will soon be, even though I am inches away from the person I love. I am living in denial of the fact that things, and feelings, will change.
I have done this before. I know the routine. One of my best, or at least most common coping mechanisms, is to forget that I am leaving, forget until I am gone. Deal with heartbreak, or loneliness when I absolutely HAVE to. Wait until I am so alone in a foreign country that I know nothing and am completely void of roots to anything or anyone. Then I cry. I cry and succumb to the emptiness for a long time. This will surely happen and I am sure it is just my way.
I foresee this happening about month 3 of my stay in Panama and I am prepared to deal with it and get through it. I know I will cry to sad music on my Ipod and probably mentally imagine the conversations I would have or apologies I would make. I won't actually have regrets, just empty wishes. I am always wishing for what could have been. The few people I feel I have actually loved know this. But, it never could have been, because I choose my path. Fate is the best friend on whom I blame all of my choices. Fate is always at the other end of my pointed finger. She allows me to do this because that makes her feel real. While I do believe in her, I know she doesn't have all the control I attribute to her. We sort of feed off each other in a way. It is symbiotic like that.
My worst fear may be getting too close. I always want an out, a window I can climb out of in desperation. A greener grass somewhere out there. Actually, it doesn't need to offer the promise of a brighter hue. Just a promise of a different, unexplored territory. I am seeking, but not quite sure who or what for that matter. I can't worry too much on this point, though. If life didn't hold mystery it would get boring very quickly. If I were not so elusive I would probably get boring quickly.
With regard to Peace Corps in general, I am scared to death. I am also so excited and feel like I could not have been given a greater blessing at this point in my life. I will be doing work I am passionate about, in a culture that I have always wanted to discover first hand.
My goal over the next few months is to purge myself of baggage. Emotional baggage, yes, physical baggage even more so. I want to travel light enough to feel lost in the world. Happy and free. Una espiritu libre.
Living with a heart shaped box stuffed at the bottom of your emotional suitcase is like walking through life with a pebble in your shoe. Maybe I should go barefoot. It's just bound to be painful at first.
Maybe I should stop blogging in metaphors. How emo.
I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I have no idea what will happen, but I am confident in one thing; it will happen.
love and blessings to all,
Nat
I am sorry I have temporarily abandoned you. It seems that I used you as my crutch through the horrible and restless waiting period before I received my invitation to Peace Corps. Since then, I have left you to sit idle while I focused on writing my aspiration statement and read countless Peace Corps handbooks and information. I didn't realize until now that I am in desperate need of your great service in my life. I need an outlet and I need the instant gratification that a submit post button can offer a girl on the edge. So I am back, asking for your forgiveness. I will never abandon you again, at least not until I am too caught up in my own happiness and self-absorption to consider the great purpose you serve in good times and bad; keeping me level headed.
Sorry,
Natalie.
This is not intended to be a woe is me post. No way, Jose. Instead, I just want to take some time to get some feelings off my chest and share the sort of afterglow that comes 12 days after receiving the coveted blue package in the mail. I have told everyone, put in my 2 weeks notice at one job, began making travel arrangements to visit friends and law schools, and emailed admissions offices about deferring for Peace Corps. I have researched packing lists and Panamanian music and culture, read ALL of the official handbooks about cultural adjustment and the life of a volunteer, and day dreamed about Panama. I have even practiced my Spanish at any given opportunity. I have found other Panama bound invitees and spoken with them. I have attended Peace Corps meetings about safety and security. I have given advice on the medical costs associated with applying to future applicants. I have (up until now).... failed to really internalize the fact that I am going to Panama in about 70 days.
It's starting to set in.
I am starting to detach. I am starting to feel the distance that will soon be, even though I am inches away from the person I love. I am living in denial of the fact that things, and feelings, will change.
I have done this before. I know the routine. One of my best, or at least most common coping mechanisms, is to forget that I am leaving, forget until I am gone. Deal with heartbreak, or loneliness when I absolutely HAVE to. Wait until I am so alone in a foreign country that I know nothing and am completely void of roots to anything or anyone. Then I cry. I cry and succumb to the emptiness for a long time. This will surely happen and I am sure it is just my way.
I foresee this happening about month 3 of my stay in Panama and I am prepared to deal with it and get through it. I know I will cry to sad music on my Ipod and probably mentally imagine the conversations I would have or apologies I would make. I won't actually have regrets, just empty wishes. I am always wishing for what could have been. The few people I feel I have actually loved know this. But, it never could have been, because I choose my path. Fate is the best friend on whom I blame all of my choices. Fate is always at the other end of my pointed finger. She allows me to do this because that makes her feel real. While I do believe in her, I know she doesn't have all the control I attribute to her. We sort of feed off each other in a way. It is symbiotic like that.
My worst fear may be getting too close. I always want an out, a window I can climb out of in desperation. A greener grass somewhere out there. Actually, it doesn't need to offer the promise of a brighter hue. Just a promise of a different, unexplored territory. I am seeking, but not quite sure who or what for that matter. I can't worry too much on this point, though. If life didn't hold mystery it would get boring very quickly. If I were not so elusive I would probably get boring quickly.
With regard to Peace Corps in general, I am scared to death. I am also so excited and feel like I could not have been given a greater blessing at this point in my life. I will be doing work I am passionate about, in a culture that I have always wanted to discover first hand.
My goal over the next few months is to purge myself of baggage. Emotional baggage, yes, physical baggage even more so. I want to travel light enough to feel lost in the world. Happy and free. Una espiritu libre.
Living with a heart shaped box stuffed at the bottom of your emotional suitcase is like walking through life with a pebble in your shoe. Maybe I should go barefoot. It's just bound to be painful at first.
Maybe I should stop blogging in metaphors. How emo.
I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I have no idea what will happen, but I am confident in one thing; it will happen.
love and blessings to all,
Nat
Friday, February 4, 2011
Officially... I am going to Peace Corps Panama!!!!!!
5:00pm.... after giving up hope for mail, I get a text from my lovely father "It's here!"
I am going to Panama April 26th, 2011 to be a Community Environmental Conservation Volunteer.
I can't breathe and I have to go to work! Will update with pictures soon!
My dream job and location and language.
THANK YOU EVERYONE who has supported me in my times of waiting and given me hope and encouragement!
I am going to Panama April 26th, 2011 to be a Community Environmental Conservation Volunteer.
I can't breathe and I have to go to work! Will update with pictures soon!
My dream job and location and language.
THANK YOU EVERYONE who has supported me in my times of waiting and given me hope and encouragement!
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