Wow, what a weekend! Seeing the Great Ocean Road and the "arguably most photographed coastline in Australia" was pretty amazing. I can see why this country is known for such postcard perfect scenes. Hiking through the rain to see two waterfalls was also a treat. Maybe there is more to experience outside my pent up world and I am finally starting to see it all. Keeping an open mind is essential.
I am still convinced this is a parallel universe, and for me especially it really is. There is a famous episode of the Twilight Zone ( got to love Rod Serling) in which an astronaut travels and crashes on a planet exactly like earth, except for a few small changes. That is what Australia continues to feel like for me. There is no replacement for home, but for America, I would say this one is not far off. And the food is arugably better. Never thought I would enjoy a meat pie with tomato sauce as much as I have. But I am still missing home like crazy. I just feel that I am adjusting to being here and being on my own. It's not perfect, but it is pretty typical of the life of someone who graduated early on a whim, without a clue.
Got news today that one of my dear friends landed a job in LA. A dream that seemed unreachable has begun, truly doors are opening. I think this is pretty amazing and says something about determination and believing in yourself. I am not quite sure what my dream is now. I can say that it probably is much more mundane than any high end respectable job or a glamorous zip code. But then again, maybe it is the more unattainable. Is love and happiness too much to hope for? I hope not.
Strange that I feel like in some ways I am hiding from the goodbyes. All my college friends getting jobs and moving on in the world. I am missing it all. Happily, the only people at my graduation were family, and one friend who felt like family for awhile. I don't like the spotlight and I don't like saying goodbyes. Acknowledging I am moving on in life is hard enough, so is spending the early hours of morning hungover in a crowd of people wearing identical blue moomoos with silly hats. At least I didn't trip.
It's bittersweet. I cry at stuff like that. This weekend I got into a deep conversation about family and love. I guess when I start drinking my pent up frustration or cynicism tumble out like dirty laundry. It's hard for me to think about my parents ever or still loving each other. Or about my family being one family. Maybe more of a Venn diagram. I cry when things are happy rather than sad. Seems strange but that's along the lines of how I think. I think a family can be defined by a lot more than just genetics. It's a beautiful thing.
I don't really have one point or theme to this blog. I just felt like checking in. I can't wait to raise a toast to my friends who feel like family. I love you guys.
peace.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Friday morning meandorings.
I feel compelled to write. I wish I felt this sentiment more often. In this world where people just click, and suddenly a sentence is shot out into the webspace and their feelings are broadcasted far and wide. Seems too easy, instantly gratifying, an emotion starved down to a status bar. I rely too heavily on that instant form of expression at times. It is only momentarily gratifying.
Little things appear to me everyday and I can't help but realize that I am changing. I pronounced avocado like an Aussie when ordering a chicken sandwich. Americans say OVocado and Aussies say aaaavocado. I understand slang words and concepts and attend "wog" parties. I befriend other immigrants from all over the world. I am a cleaning lady. I feel less bound to concepts of home and catch myself saying how things are different for us .... in the states, as if I have trouble defining which US i am referencing.
I learn tidbits of life skills. How to drink soup without getting burned, how to chop vegetables correctly, how to do everything "correctly." My own ways are getting broken down.
Having a bit of difficulty still in one regard. Seeing myself as an adult. It's a scary concept. Not that you ever have to stop acting like a child, or in the more positive sense, being childlike. However, there is a point where you have to choose to embrace your new identity as an adult and realize your power and influence on the world. Life is set up rather logically, mostly to protect you and avoid conflict. You can not be expected to jump right in and rule the roost. You grow up. You hang around and observe how things work, the rules or the game and how it works. Then you act. I have acted, I booked a plane, I graduated from college, I didn't get lost in the world (at least in a physical sense) and occasionally I do housework. Sometimes without even being asked.
I was recently asked "how do you see yourself, Natalie?" I had to think about it. I have a very clear memory of being 13 years old. I was in an awkward phase to say the least. I thought I could see indications that I was growing up. I finally had learned to control my tangled locks of hair, I was experimenting with makeup, I wore a preteen sized bra. I felt familiar, yet different. Shifted. I was in Arizona visiting family when I had this realization and distinctly recall staring at myself in the mirror before we left to catch our plane home. I stared and stared and tried to burn the vision of myself in the mirror into my memory. Not sure if I could tell whey at the moment, but to this day I still remember exactly what I was wearing. A red strappy top, bra straps undoubtedly showing, blue jean shorts, some god awful neckless and hair clips.
How do I see myself now? I wish I had a better take on that question. I still think of myself as a slightly larger teenager. Maybe the root of my self consciousness about my body. For a fifteen year old I would be pretty womanly. Young lady is a better term, I have been called that since I was in elementary school, usually when being reprimanded. Apparently, I have no idea how to identify myself. Twenty-two is a strange realm of existence.
More about Melbourne. I do like life here, despite my protests to the contrary. I do not like feeling trapped and unable to tap into the lives of people back home. The internet is good for the superficial, not the deep stuff. I love Vegemite and toast. And lamb. I like the eclectic styles and music on the radio. Even Richard Mercia with his droning melodious voice full of enthusiasm for the lovers of the world. I think you'd have to be here to get it. I got myself lost by following the Garmin and found my way on my own. Strange how that can be. Wish I could apply that inner logic to my life journey. Maybe I already have.
Watermelon is the most effective way to relieve the thirst that comes with a hangover. Just thought you should know.
Nat Attack.
Little things appear to me everyday and I can't help but realize that I am changing. I pronounced avocado like an Aussie when ordering a chicken sandwich. Americans say OVocado and Aussies say aaaavocado. I understand slang words and concepts and attend "wog" parties. I befriend other immigrants from all over the world. I am a cleaning lady. I feel less bound to concepts of home and catch myself saying how things are different for us .... in the states, as if I have trouble defining which US i am referencing.
I learn tidbits of life skills. How to drink soup without getting burned, how to chop vegetables correctly, how to do everything "correctly." My own ways are getting broken down.
Having a bit of difficulty still in one regard. Seeing myself as an adult. It's a scary concept. Not that you ever have to stop acting like a child, or in the more positive sense, being childlike. However, there is a point where you have to choose to embrace your new identity as an adult and realize your power and influence on the world. Life is set up rather logically, mostly to protect you and avoid conflict. You can not be expected to jump right in and rule the roost. You grow up. You hang around and observe how things work, the rules or the game and how it works. Then you act. I have acted, I booked a plane, I graduated from college, I didn't get lost in the world (at least in a physical sense) and occasionally I do housework. Sometimes without even being asked.
I was recently asked "how do you see yourself, Natalie?" I had to think about it. I have a very clear memory of being 13 years old. I was in an awkward phase to say the least. I thought I could see indications that I was growing up. I finally had learned to control my tangled locks of hair, I was experimenting with makeup, I wore a preteen sized bra. I felt familiar, yet different. Shifted. I was in Arizona visiting family when I had this realization and distinctly recall staring at myself in the mirror before we left to catch our plane home. I stared and stared and tried to burn the vision of myself in the mirror into my memory. Not sure if I could tell whey at the moment, but to this day I still remember exactly what I was wearing. A red strappy top, bra straps undoubtedly showing, blue jean shorts, some god awful neckless and hair clips.
How do I see myself now? I wish I had a better take on that question. I still think of myself as a slightly larger teenager. Maybe the root of my self consciousness about my body. For a fifteen year old I would be pretty womanly. Young lady is a better term, I have been called that since I was in elementary school, usually when being reprimanded. Apparently, I have no idea how to identify myself. Twenty-two is a strange realm of existence.
More about Melbourne. I do like life here, despite my protests to the contrary. I do not like feeling trapped and unable to tap into the lives of people back home. The internet is good for the superficial, not the deep stuff. I love Vegemite and toast. And lamb. I like the eclectic styles and music on the radio. Even Richard Mercia with his droning melodious voice full of enthusiasm for the lovers of the world. I think you'd have to be here to get it. I got myself lost by following the Garmin and found my way on my own. Strange how that can be. Wish I could apply that inner logic to my life journey. Maybe I already have.
Watermelon is the most effective way to relieve the thirst that comes with a hangover. Just thought you should know.
Nat Attack.
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