So it's been some time. Lately I have found myself finally removed from my addiction to checking peacecorpswiki.org and reading blogs. I quit the packing preparations and the obsessive online shopping (sorry Amazon, I do love you still). Many say I am in denial. You see, I leave for Peace Corps Panama in 16 days. To say it less eloquently; Holy Crap!
My feelings at this point could be described as a "calm before the storm" mentality. I am calm, and almost lazy. Avoidance is a better word. I am avoiding studying my books of Spanish verbs, I am avoiding researching everything like I normally do, I am very happy and feel like this is all a dream. Maybe that means I am ready.
As paradoxical as that may seem, I think I am just so very ready that my brain just sort of shuts off to prevent myself from developing unrealistic expectations or worries that I can't possibly soothe without more knowledge. I don't even know where I will be living for the next two years within Panama, and that is truly liberating. I am finally doing this!
Another reason I feel so happy is because I honestly say that my chapter of self growth did not start with me stepping foot on Panamanian soil. It has already begun to manifest. I recently took a trip alone to New Orleans by myself. I felt the same type of calm avoidance as I left. I knew I would wing it and it would be amazing. Turns out I was right. If you are ever in NOLA stay at the India House Hostel (that's my shameless plug). It was everything I hoped for in my first true hostel experience. Jazz music is also one of the greatest pleasures in life. Well, actually any live music that hits you full on in that case. I also rediscovered my love for hula hooping. After a good 10-12 years, I still got it!
I have a ton to do in only 16 days, but I am ready. I do not feel panic, only poise. My Spanish is pretty rusty, but I will adapt. I am so excited to meet my cohort of fellow volunteers and start this adventure. I am ultimately so thankful for all of this. God has gotten me this far (as much as I fight him on everything) and I can only hope that I continue to trust in his pace and plan for my life. Now don't get me wrong, I am not extremely religious, I just believe in the core concepts of my Catholic upbringing. The real important stuff. And I have no doubt in the cliche that things happen for a reason. Call it fate, nature, or His work; it's all relative. It is real and so is love. A willingness to allow the process to work and have faith in it is essential. At least that's how I see it, you are more than welcome to your personal opinion. If we all thought the same way life would be pretty bland.
Just some ramblings. Shout out to my amazing father, he turns 54 today! Go dad! I am hoping for at least another 30 years with you so make it happen! Keep up the pilates and the music. :)
Besos a todos,
Natalie
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